Right now, things are relatively quiet for me. No dense schedule, no ongoing speaking tour, no pressing deadlines breathing down my neck. On paper: exactly what I often wish for in high-pressure phases. Fewer appointments. Less external pressure. More breathing room. More freedom. And yes, it’s a relief. For a while.
But then something happens that I find truly fascinating. Something I had only sensed before but am now feeling more clearly than ever:
As soon as the external structure fades, my inner world explodes.
And I really mean “explodes”, that’s the most accurate word for what it feels like inside my head. It’s not necessarily unpleasant, but it’s definitely not sustainable in everyday life. And it’s exhausting.
When I’m under time pressure or responsibility — especially when others rely on me — I’m forced to prioritize. I have to juggle, evaluate, sort, and let go of many things. That’s frustrating, yes, because a lot gets left behind and I feel like the day never has enough hours for what matters to me or brings me joy.
But at least it gives structure.Without that pressure, suddenly everything feels equally important.
My brain is free to follow every butterfly.
So here’s what happens: I happily spend an entire morning tinkering with my website, improving accessibility, searching for the right plugins to adjust language settings and totally lose myself in it.
But then…
I forget to move. Or eat.
I get far less done, even though I technically have more time. The list doesn’t shrink. The satisfying feeling of ticking things off is missing. No dopamine hit. And then comes the stress, because the “real priorities” are still waiting.
I get lost in details and in a thousand new ideas. Every podcast I listen to, every article I read, every conversation sparks new thoughts, tasks, tangents: “Try this,” “Share that,” “Look up that study,” “Ask this person.” It all feels equally important. I write it down, but the list grows faster than I can manage it. And the whole idea of clearing it in this “quieter phase” slips further away.
Trying to hold my inner balance becomes a real effort.
Once again, I land at that familiar feeling: there are never enough hours in the day. I’ve found myself on the verge of taking on new book contracts or planning workshops — not because I need more to do, but to recreate an external framework that forces my thoughts back into order.
So far, I’m resisting! Because I want to trust this process a little longer. I want to see what emerges if I give it more space.
It reminds me — again — of something I already know but needed to feel anew:
Total freedom doesn’t work for me.
I’d probably drift off into my own little universe, becoming a floating book-and-plant-lady who forgets to eat or shower. But high-pressure life at the other extreme makes me sick over time, too.
What I really need is the state in between.
Like diving: constant micro-adjustments. Not shooting up too fast, not sinking too deep.
That image helps me a lot.
Right now, I’m managing it like this:
- I write down everything that comes to mind, but don’t act on it right away.
- I set time windows and define priorities.
- I give myself “nerdy half-days” where I dive deep into something specific.
- I make myself move, cook, take care of daily tasks, because I know how good it feels once I get going.And I try (still not easy!) to place self-care at the top. Like in the airplane: “Put your mask on first, then help others.”
I’m deeply grateful for the parts of me that keep me functional, that help me re-center, again and again. Not perfectly. But well enough.And maybe that’s the point:
Not to be crushed between pressure and chaos, but to balance between them. Over and over. With patience. And a healthy dose of self-compassion.
So glad you’re here. 💛
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